Episode One - The Dream

It is an auditorium, benches stand in parallel lines one behind the other. Every piece of wood is brown. I am still shaking my dizzy head. Nothing is clear. I see a topsy-turvy world. There is a stage, all brown, with saddled green curtains to the sides. I am trying to concentrate. I am suffering to keep my head up like a stone is dangling. Walls are dirty… yellow dirty. I am shaking my head more. I try to look to my right when my eyes catch something… familiar. Is it her? Is she here with me? She is sitting in the bench right in front of me. Yes, it is her. I call her name, but she never looks at me. She holds her head down and she is not even looking. I call her again… I feel the echo of my voice… She is not looking at me… My head is getting heavier every second… I call her one more time and she starts moving. Time has almost stopped, everything is blurring, I am waiting to see her face… Suddenly a sharp strong sound screams through my head like a siren… Everything is clear all of a sudden. But it is not the same place anymore. I just opened my eyes.

My hands search for my mobile on the night table next to my bed. My finger tips run through the pieces of paper, hit a bottle of water and blow something to the ground before it reaches something cold. Metallic cold. I hold the mobile and stop my morning alarm.

This time it has been real. I have seen the same dream a many times before. I never felt it like I did this time. My eyes swim through the corners of my room. Everything is the same. It is just the same: untidy like a landfill place, all dark but of a few rays penetrating my heavy curtains. The door is covered by my hanging clothes, the desk has no space for a finger among the scattered documents, laptop, speakers, ipod, books and some wires. I still cannot see my carpets because of the plastic bags thrown everywhere.

Time is not running for me, only a few seconds have passed. The phone annoyingly rings again, this time it is a caller. Who else could it be! I push myself up and lean my back on the pillows. Pick the phone and press the button.

Emad: Good morning, Ahmed.
My mind: Good morning, Ahmed.
Me: Good morning, Emad. You woke up early as normal.

Emad: Haha, you tell me this every morning, will you just shake it off and come out of your bed?
My mind: Haha, you tell me this every morning, will you just move your ass out of your bed?
Me: You tell me the same every morning too. Today you have just gone a little bit more polite?

Emad: Yeah, my wife is around.
My mind: Yeah, my wife is around.
Me: I knew you’d say that. Hey, see you at work, OK?

Emad is a little bit surprised at how I am ending the call so he just asks: “Ahmed, is everything alright there?”
I laugh calmly “Yes, I just wanted to do something new. See you at work. Salam”
He answers in a confused manner “Salam!”

I can tell you what is going to happen for the next 8 and a half hours. I can also bet with every penny I have and have not saved, and I know I will win.

In two minutes from now, I am going stand up from bed. I am going to move five steps to the door. I am going to pick the towel from the chair next to the door. I am going open the door and move two steps to the right. I am going to open the bathroom door. Five minutes later, I am out. I go back all the steps I have gone before. I am going to pick a suit out of my closet, pick a shirt from the shelf, pick a tie from the tie holder and starting putting them on.

See you in seven minutes…

The clock is ticking. Everything is so calmly boring in the room. No sound but the whizzing of an old fan next to the desk. The clock is ticking harder. Nothing is changing in the room. He comes through the door. All wet and naked but of a towel around his waist. He stands in front of the wardrobe, picks a grey suit, a white shirt and a dark black tie. He starts putting them on.

See, had you betted against me, you would have lost all your money. I may seem like I am controlling my life. I could have sit in bed for five minutes and changed my routine. I could cancelled Emad’s call instead of replying and listening to the same wake-up call broken record. Yet in fact, I can’t. It is just a stream that is going on and I am no longer in control. If I had done anything about the last ten minutes of my life, I would not have been talking the same thoughts to you right now as every morning. I am no longer in the driver’s seat of my life. I have become more like a commentator, and I cannot change anything about it.

I am strapping the tie around my neck the same way every morning. I look to the mirror and I see the same face every morning. I still see the same lifeless sleepy eyes, the same round emotionless face and the same facial lines that no longer show who I am. Everything is just a redundant boring dream. Even in dreams I am not alone; She is with me.

I walk out of my room down towards the parking. My grey car is waiting. I start moving out.
Every morning I drive for 30 minutes until I reach my workplace. A prestigious tower in Dubai’s business center. My life runs in front of my eyes for 30 minutes everyday. I see the faces of everyone I loved, everyone I hated, everyone to have hurt me, everyone I hurt and every place I have gone with Her. Usually I never stop music while driving, but the morning’s 30 minutes to work are the exception for the noise in my head is deafening. I have a video-graphic memory, if the term goes. I cannot only remember the colors, the faces and the tiniest details around, I can also hear the voices and sounds like they were around back then.

I see this restaurant with kids area where we were sitting. I see the restaurant’s thematic red walls, the colorful kids area, the four little devils inside. I can hear their voices. I can see their mothers are trying to control their annoying noise. I also remember; for that moment, I was smiling. Images flip over and I see the face of the one who loved me the most, or ironically, the one that I have hurt the most. I remember how she tried all the means to tell me how much she loves me, every way but not a straight “I love you”. I remember her cracking tearful voice on the phone when I told her to accept her new suitor. And I can’t stop hating myself more.

I arrive to my workplace, park the car in my parking spot. Take the lift to our floor.

The lift’s door will open, I will see Mohammad - the security guy - sitting behind his podium. He will stand up, give a yellowish smile and say “Good morning, Mr. Ahmed… It makes me happy to see you every morning I swear”.

The lift reaches the thirteenth floor, the door opens. I see Mohammad - the security guy - sitting behind his podium. He stands up, gives a yellowish smile and say “Good morning Mr. Ahmed… It makes me happy to see you every morning I swear”.

I give a fainting smile and say “I guess you always get very bad Fridays and Saturdays then”
He laughs and spits a lie “I swear to Allah I feel bored on Fridays and Saturdays because I do not see you every morning”
I turn to him “Do you ever change what you say, Mohammad?”
He replies instantly “If I change what I say that what I feel is changed”
How hypocrite.

I turn to the signing in machine, slip my thump into the small green scanner. It reads my finger tip and says “Hello, Ahmed… Welcome!”… Hypocrite!!!

Times passes quickly in the office. Every now and then I stand up and move towards the big window screen, overlooking the Dubai towers. I fall into deep thoughts about life, people and creation. Thoughts that never change. Then some phone calls interrupt my thoughts.
Usually when I receive a phone call, it means a disaster is in progress. Ironically, I get phone calls all the time everyday. Strangely, they are the same phone calls repeated everyday too. I talk on the phone and suggest the same solutions everyday. I repeat the same answers to the same inquiries everyday. And I get the same savage headache everyday. I take the same pain killer everyday. I work on the same patterns everyday… and Emad comes through the door at the end of the day without knocking everyday.

Emad comes in through the door without knocking. He stands with his big belly keeping his balance, both hands in his pants’ pockets, a cigarette between his lips and smoke flowing from his nose.

“What’s up big boy, don’t you feel like your ass is going flatter everyday because you never move it from that chair for eight hours a day?” He says with his lips closed to hold the cigarette on.
I reply “Look who is talking!”
He moves the cigarette out of his mouth and says with his naturally loud deep voice “I swear I was thin when I was younger!”
I am turning off my computer, putting every document back in place and reply “And I was dating Angelina before she met Brad”.
He looks confused for a second and says “That is actually easier to believe than believing that I was thin one day… You should have chosen something more unbelievable if you ask me!”
“No, I was really dating Angelina before she knew Brad” Laughing!
“Really?” He replies with eyes wide open and chin almost hitting the floor.
“Yes” I reply
“She is not that beautiful anyway!” He replies childishly!
I laugh again at his reaction and say “How is your wife?”
His eyebrows hit each other head to head as he looks me passing through the door to the exit and says “What is that supposed to mean!”
I reply “You ask the same question everyday, Emad!”
He shakes his head off “Brrrrrr anyway, you hanging out tonight?”
I reply “No, I don’t think so!”
“I knew you were gonna say that”

Oh yeah, it is a broken record my friend.

I exit the floor, Mohammad is asleep as the habit goes. I touch the signing machine and it says “See you, Ahmed”

Don’t worry, you will… It is nothing I can’t control. It is just another day in my life.

And the noise never stop in my head!

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around
Oh, no

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yet I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end

I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I'm hoping someday you might find
Well I'll hide it behind something
They won't look behind
I'm still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same